"I"

I am a sun soaked body with my arms stretched out.

I am a pathetic writer, a super carrot eater.
No rain, no wind, no sun,
Nor summer, or winter or autumn or spring.
Is it what they called no man's land,
and am I here to stay?
I am but a membrane and stretched over the mouth of a drum.
I am not a butterfly rather a crow, most likely an ant.
I am not grammar but parole for sure.
I have a brain of cauliflower and pumpkin,
I have limbs of melted rexine.
I write poetry like Jimmy Porter,
but i think i replicate Wordsworth in his solitary reaper.
Not flesh and blood but thermocol and pastry,
I haven't painted my intestines yet but i have eaten my lunch.
I am not a question, no mystery no illusive nymph.
I am however that answer which leads to no end.
Two feet i have and i can see them through my finger nails,
those feet will walk the miles ahead and the miles that i am already at.
I am but a thought who likes to think she is a human being,
delirious amongst others who will one day realise that teddy bears make up the real world.

Wooohooohahhahahahhaaa

Did you see Izzie's face? Oh my God, that smile was inexplicable! hahahaa....Alex is the sweetest jerk ever. I love happy endings! Dunno why this made me happy, considering my hours of hard work on my pasta went down the drain because of the bad cheese, my sister sounded sad on phone but now i cant stop smiling even though Mr. Eric Clapton is brooding in the background.
Now I know why i am single....hahahaa...no one is ever good enough, no one can ever please me. hahaha. I guess I am the biggest narcissistic asshole....i should stop calling other people that. Hahhaa...this is really funny. I suddenly realise watching some arbit fictional people kiss, that i am meant to be single. I should stop obsessing over perfection. Why do people piss me off so easily? Why am i so intolerant? hahha...i don't know. And for the sake of every sane man's good health i am glad I a single..woooohoooo......yay! Cheers so single hood! hahaha...does it sound like sour grapes....a aaa....i think not, coz i so gotten over Utopia. I mean dude...Utopia is a book, by Thomas Moore.....its fiction. And anyway Sanjh and I both agree that if we were to do it we could sleep with women. Hahhaa....i cant believe me......from silly to sillier or maybe smarter who the hell knows....who the hell cares. Cheers to me....wooohooo.....Izzie...Alex i love u...hhahaa..so fun!
Cheers to epiphany!!!
Woooohoooo........nighty night!

Closure

All of yesterday i tried to sign into blogspot but it was all in vain.
I finally managed to do it now.
So it was Christmas yesterday and i had my little party. I believe i ve never blogged like this on yellowdictionary before. Wow, it sort of freaks me!
I have done so much for this blog. I even changed its main source of identity...its name.
But that's not really its main source of identity.....this reminds me of Derrida.
Lord what a fucked up idiot, and he really knows how to fuck my happiness.
My lit theory paper was an absolute disaster....all that sense of superiority went down the drain!
Yeah, so i was saying that i changed the name of my blog, the address....but still the past seems to haunt me like anything.
More because of the blog entries. I mean the old one....the ones i posted when it was called ipegasus. I hate those old post, each and everyone from the bottom of my heart. So much, that i thought id delete this blog and start afresh. But am quite selfish i feel, i dun seem to be able let go of my work. And thats how am goin to treat them....as work.
I am the most horrid person in this world i know, and people might think me a bitch but i dunt care no more. And one thing; I hate to repent.....I never want to repent. I dont regret anything, ANYTHING at all. And i seriously think i needed to write this to get it out of my system.
For now i start afresh. I dont have anything to look back to....good, bad i dunt care...all i have is the present and the future. I dont want anyone to mess with me and i dont want anyone to even try and gimme any shit. Coz am not gonna take it, rather i'll break his face.
Seriously i am goin to be violent. Whoever tries to bring me any anxiety or the slightest cause of irritation i'll break the face of that person i swear. I have decided to not let any piece of shit bother me in any little way. So all you bastards who tried to pull me down, cause any sort of physical, psychological harm.....go burn in hell i dont care. You dont haunt me anymore. All those rotting souls who are sooo screwd up themselves that you try to screw up other people....u will face the music sometime. Am not a calvinist and i am highly religious. I believe you'll all pay for your sins. So all those who made me feel sick, tormented and diseased, let me tell you....you are outta my life...i have ripped off that part from my life. I know that i was stupid to let you rotten people affect me coz you are the most filthy people in this world and letting you affect me would succeed your mission. So i fail you now....you are out out outta my life. You try to mess with me again and i'll fuck your happiness.

This is the last time i am talking about this and henceforth this shall never be brought up in any way in my life...not even by me. Its over.

p.s- for all you overly emotional ppl who think they are the only burdened soul on this earth, dunt bother to strain ur already over strained senti-meter......this is not about you. N still outa habit if u wanna think that its bout u, feel sad, broken and all that u always tend to feel and fancy to feel, then go ahead feel more burdened and fucked.

I think i need to borrow Aro's "I hate everybody" socks!!!!

Grey

How strangely affected it leaves me, every time something so dramatic happens. On one hand i think, poor Cristina this is really sad, on the other I feel like telling Meredith that dude Shepard is your guy. I liked it, liked it quite a bit. The endings especially, every time i wait for that. Words of wisdom from Ms. Grey! And after all Burke had to fall short, to none but himself. But Shepard was the worst hit, wonder what he'd do now. Poor Meredith and Cristina, oh how can i forget George! Alex is nice, he likes Izzie. Its quite cute.
Its silly but I like it, I don't know why but I like the whole alternative world it creates for me. And therefore am no more afraid of blogging about how TV affects me because I don't care, don't care of what people think. Cause to me the alternative world is as real as the "real" one. And just because no one can see that am living it, doesn't mean its any less important. I love it all. Meredith, Shepard, Cristina, are as much a part of my life as much as Me, my friends and my family.
And so this night I must say that am enveloped by thoughts and taken over by variety of feelings. All for good because when i feel, I exist.

No one likes poor Jimmy. Except...me!

Its quite strange how of all the people i ended up liking Jimmy. Enough to even surprise me! Lord! This is blasphemous i know, but there is something about Jimmy that makes me like him unlike all. Maybe its because the uncanny resemblance between the two of us. But its not just Jimmy I think am also a little bit of Alison, bit of Cliff. But definitely not Helena. Maybe thats cause she is the villain in my head and hence i'd refrain from drawing parallels. No, but i genuinely think am not Helena.
I believe, we all are anything but uni-dimensional and everyone has just about a million "I"s to their self. Or maybe its just an attempt of mine to say that even though i see the link between Jimmy and me, I still have another side to me which will compunsate for this one. Maybe, dont know.
Something i could really relate to was the trivia in the play. Trivia works really well for us and yet we call it "trivia". How ironic is that? But at times I hate Jimmy, I hate him to the extent that i hate to accept that there is some part of me which is like him. Mr. Osborne has got this girl in quite a spot but i liked his play. For God sake am blogging about it, it obviously needs to hold some significance!
Somehow i feel i understand Jimmy, understand why he behaves the way he does; but then again somewhere he betrays that thought. But the angst he reflects is very real, i feel it is. And i think to myself that all the bastards who say they see angst in my writing, should be slapped but maybe am also all talk. After all if i really wanted i could just do the real job than write about it. I regret that and I hate regretting in general.
I feel I haven't been able to sum up my feelings on the subject of the parallelism between Jimmy and me. But this could be reflective of the sub-conscious taking over the conscious and making me avoid the undesirable to be exposed. Hahaha....the more i write the more confusing it gets. But I shan't just priviledge Jimmy, Alison and Cliff are in me as well.
Something i hate about Jimmy is that he makes pregnancy seem like a disease..."that bulge below her belly..." I find that grotesque. Also Unlike Jimmy, I think am more asexual than sexual like him....or maybe not and i just dont know of it. Wow! am amused at my self discoveries!
Alison and Jimmy make the perfectly hopeless couple and thats what i like about them. I really liked the play and i feel if i dont't stop this will go on. forever. and we'll get on to waiting for Godot!

Lost

Once i wrote "Man and the concept of momentariness", dint think it'll happen to me.
For today i suddenly find that i cannot any more write.
Its quite devastating really and makes me feel utterly helpless.
I try to write, i try to draw but it all halts after a certain point.
Seems like slow sweet poison that has entered my veins and paralysed my senses.
Am turning blue, i know i am.
Every time i look into the mirror i see a numb face, i see a frozen smile, i see a painted blush but no matter how much i try the numbness never leaves, the face never cries.
I don't know if i am under some spell or is it just my mind.
All i know is that i cannot write, and that makes me dead.

I C now...............

I saved every fallen leaf of the Tree of Life.
Some I left in the brown paper packet while some I used as bookmarks.
I liked them, I couldn’t part with them and so I still have them.
Days, months, spring, summer, decades n centuries…
They all went by and I kept hoarding each and every fallen leaf.

I had my favorites, I had my eye-sore.
Buried under the piles and piles of leaves,
I couldn’t see it then, what I can see now.
Once again, today I opened The Shadow Lines
And saw my favorite leaf in it.
The king of all, he was gorgeously green
And had the most marvelous contours…as imperfectly forming the human heart,
As the maddening Chris-cross of the veins running through!
I could bear with it falling off the tree but I couldn’t dare to part with it.
So I carefully placed it in The Shadow Lines and went into deep slumber.
I dreamt some one stole my dear leaf.
I was devastated, I stole it right back and tried to put it back on the tree.
Gum, tape, thread, clay nothing seemed to hold it there.
And there I was standing amidst the fiercest tempest like a mad woman
trying and trying and trying but to no effect.
Suddenly everything was synthetically calm and I took a breath of relief.
And as soon as I did that my leaf slipped out of my hands and flew away, far away from me.

I have woken from the light-year long, deep slumber and I opened my book today
just to ensure the presence of my prized possession.
I see it there but I see what I never saw before,
Dead, dry and rotten, infested
by a hundred million microbes.
A skeleton…...that talks to dead men.

Knowledge percolating to the floor

There are somthings that you can never understand without experiencing them. And I too had an epiphany today. I realised that things that we take for granted, things which seem so awfully petty, may actually be somthing really really priceless. Its right there in front of you, waiting for you to realise what lies deeper beneath the skin.
Education is a weapon more fearsome than Hector's sword, it is an armour more solid that achilles's armour. I love knowledge, and so do we all....though some love consciously and some don't.
I had heard of the ancient methodology of teachings, the guru shishya relationship of the gurukul but all that has transformed into somethingelse now. Not that i curb either or propagate any, just that being in the 21st century it is very difficult for me to comprehend what it was like to study in the ancient times, the way they did.
What at first seems more like an orthodox and rather austere methodology, may not necessarily be so. I may not agree with each and every nitty-gritty of that system but there is omething about it, for it produced such great scholars for our country. But of course the world is changing and along with it evrything else needs to fashion itself accordingly too.
Well getting straight to the point, let me tell you, that today when I was sitting on the floor in the class to study, i was worrying about back support at first! But As the class progressed I started deriving this immense pleasure out of that physical positioning of mine. Its not an unusual thing, i know you are thinking of that and people quite often do sit on the floor; but i saw it differently. I suddenly felt like a child, a trivial entity looking up at the face of knowledge. I felt divinal powders falling on my head! I realised how small i was in front of knowledge and yet she was opening her arms to embrase me. I realised how poor i was in front of the person imparting knowledge and yet she was sprinkling her treasures over me.
I looked up in awe, admiration and enchantment......i was spell bound. For such a simple thing which i did unconsciously gave me my epihany. I saw knowledge percolating to the floor.

Life as it is............

Have you ever felt the rush....
of sittin on a wooden sledge n sliding down a cold cold icey slope....at zillion kilometers per hour.
Close your eyes and open it to find yourself in a new world,
for that great rush that you felt for those fifteen seconds were more precious than any gold, or a wedding ring, or even the best score of your life.
No, its not fictional, I do at times like to talk about myself in first person.
Yeah i know that brings a grin on your face, and you know what it does the same to me.
When you are on that sledge your face is cold, your nose is frozen, red...goin to turn blue any moment, you know you might just fall, you know you might get hurt;
but then you take a deep breath and what the hell just go for it,
next thing you know your screaming out of ecstacy, and you just scream automatically, its not a conscious scream, no one really tells you to do it.
And then again those few seconds when you let lose and when you are just YOU, those few seconds make all of it worthwhile.
I have felt this rush, time and again i can just close my eyes and hear myself laughing and screaming with joy. You know who showed me the way to it, my friend Leonardo da vinci.
Leonardo taught me so many things, but he always makes me feel like the smarter one.
He isn't really the most rational person under the sun but he makes me so, if I may say much against his wishes...
He doesn't understand all the time, but i need to say that he makes life beautiful for me
and i like it every time he takes no credit for it. I smile.

So my dearest friend Leonardo da vinci let me tell you that i love you dearly and I would like to thank you for making me look at life the way i do now, thank you for making me love life the way i love it now, for teaching me to seek happiness out of the simplest things, thank you for teaching me the virtue of simplicity.

You know, its you who showed me that life is a clever seductress and i shouldn't let her wiles just go by.

July 5th 2006

Have you ever seen bloodshed in your life Candace?
You don't know what it is to be me.
I don't choose solitude for my company
but there is one thing that i do know;
that am the cursed child of destiny and i was baptised with this solitariness.
She can never ever equal you,
but i have her so that i can protect you.
Protect you from the world
protect you from me.....

The Crooner Sisters

Let me introduce you to the Crooner sisters.
There were three of them, and they were alone.
Madonna would be the eldest followed by Annabella and finally Jennifer.
Even though they were thirty, twenty one and nineteen respectively, they still lived together in their old town house.
Yes, their paternal great grandfather was indeed a crooner but their father, who everyone knew as old sailor Joe, didnt quite follow the same proffession.
The girls lost their mother back when they were in school and old sailor Joe once went fishing ten years hence and never came back.
These girls were quite famous in the town of Osborne...for some called them crazy while some pittied them hard.
Madonna was the compulsive big sister who was quite famously known as the animal hoarder. Annabella was the gorgeous blonde, and thats all she had to her, at least thats what she thought. Yes, she was once engaged to the heir of the Osborne family but that didn't last for long and no one knows why. Though no one questioned it.
Jennifer the little kid of the house was better known as "Woolah Jenn" by all and she was concerned bout just two things, her very private illustrated series and her marijuana.
It was quite phenominal how different these sisters were, but there was one point where they all seemed to converge.

No I will not give you all the details right away but very soon as you will come across the various little incidents of their lives you will know for yourself what it is and I will need no words to put it across.

With love, Candace.

Dear Roy

Not speaking is the alternative of the escapist,
and it doesnt hurt anyone more than you.
Tragic realisation doesn't come so easily to man,
otherwise the wrath of achilles wouldn't have caused the trojan war.
No, no more big words, nor psychology,
all i am saying is that,
i saw you by the beach last night
and it made my heart ache
because i saw solitude by your side.

Preamble

Lost in the maddening crowd of words,
Burried under narratives and travelogues.
Of all the epilogues that i did not read and every epic similie that smiles at me....
I know i have kinship with them
for it is these words that make me ME.....
Love hate is how they describe our relationship
but that is so ironic isn't it.....after all love and hate are fruits of the same tree!
These words that i spell are the words that i breathe
these are the words that help me break free.
Am at war with them constantly but in this battle field we are all victors.
And so this day i solemnly pledge...to never let go of this friend and fiend,
to never terminate our constant war,
to never let the burning wick die out.......
And henceforth i set foot on my Odessey,
to discover, reveal and revel!
Amen.